staydown

i've been walking down, the back streets of my mind.
wandering through the alleyways, is where i can always find,
all those memories of, all of our good times.
please do me this one favor, if you could be so kind...
please remember them for me, even if i have forgot mine,
have i lost mine?

so please don't forget about, all of our good times,
don't forget about, your good, times.
'cause i gave up on all of my, all of my good times.
with my made up mind, i gave up on good times.
so don't forget about all of our good times, don't forget your good

times.


"here's lookin' at you pal. i write the songs that make the young girls cry, etc."

Don't say it's the last time you'll ever need this
To simply blow over in words you conceal with
It doesn't mean much when you're telling me lies
To prove your affection, you'd marry my strings
But when I'm called away, do you bury my things
How easily unearthed what our maladies hide
But I'll never leave
You could never go where I couldn't follow
I'll make you see
Never been a pill or sin I couldn't swallow
I swear on the bottle, from the bottom, it all looks worse than it is
Ink takes, routine takes ink, we'll parch the words
That leave me as film on your lips, wrists, and fingers
A cage, like the first verse, when I promised you (us) all the rest
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Now you'll feel the rest
But I'll never leave
You could never go where I couldn't follow
I'll make you see
Never been a pill or sin I couldn't swallow
I swear on the ballot, from up here, you can't see a thing
So I'll never ask
You could never take the words that would follow
And you'll never tell
Never said a thing that I didn’t already know
I swear on the gavel, from the battle, I've grown tired of the war
Let's remove the bond from these bands that we wear
The rings never closed, so there'll ne'er be a blame to bear
Where we're built to bend
Oh, the flesh never dyes

being in fort bragg when im not doing odd jobs or eating too much or drinking too much, or trying to sleep off a hang over, i am on this computer a lot, and the other day i came across this: the speech thing that i said at my dad's funeral. i read it once and it made me start to cry, so i don't think i will ever read it again, but i hope it makes you cry your fucking heart out because i'm tired of doing that shit, here is some shit to cry about, and maybe one day you can return the favor, but for now, fuck off.
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May, two thousand and nine

All of us knew Joaquin in one way or another. Some knew him as a friend, some of us knew him as a brother,
some knew him as a cousin, or an uncle, and some of us even knew him as a grandfather, and of course my mother knew him as a husband. But I knew him in a way that only one other person in the whole world knew him, and that is as a father. And of course Elena can attest to his ability as a parent and his incredible love for his children.

But for me personally , I knew him in a very unique way, and that is in the way that a son knows his father, and I am overwhelmed with feelings of honor, and the great priveladge it has been, and will continue to be to for me to say that I am Joaquins son.

And now I would like to take a moment if I could to speak directly to him.
Hey papa, its only been three days since you left us and I already miss you more than I knew I would. I want to let you know im doing my best to take good care of myself, and also take care of mom, and nane and to try and take your place as the man in the family, this is not an easy thing to do, seeing as how you were in my eyes the strongest man that ever lived. I want to thank you for everything, for fighting your courageous battle against cancer, for bringing me into this world, for all the things you have taught me, almost everything I know about life I learned from you, and you were the best teacher anyone could ever ask for. You taught me so many things, and I am sure many of the other people here in this room today feel similar. You taught us how to live life with passion, how to be a genuine real person, how to be strong, how to laugh, and also how to cry. Thank you for all of your teachings.
I know if you were still here you would tell me that I don’t need to apologize for anything, and that I am forgiven for all of the mistakes i have made, and all of my failures. Yet still I want to tell you how sorry I am for all of the hard times and burdens I brought upon you.
As I continue on my path through life, I will think of you often, and sometimes I will think of you and cry, but most times Im sure I will think of you and smile. I will need to call upon you at times to help me stay on the right path, and I will need to channel your strength to help me keep walking even when my legs feel to weak to stand (as they do now).

You used to always tell me that you loved me more than I will ever know, and as beautiful as that is for a father to say to his son, somehow it felt like a burden to me. But with your passing I think I know how much you loved me even though you may have thought it was more than I would ever know, and until I find you again, I will miss you more than you will ever know.
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twelve o'clock call...
assist you waking up
waiting up-made making plans well
under 40 watt light at night oh well
too bright we know it, the city's too bright
to show it off, oh well
we're not staying here tonight
seems like you're reduced to a voice in a picture
do you wonder if i remember?
do you know that i forget?
at twelve o'clock
i'm waking you up
and since you're waking up this way
i can assist now
if we could write it down
then we would throw it out
give it less time

==========Feeling your way now,............................................................................................................. ============at times you close your eyes,...........................................................................................
================it makes a difference,................................................................................................
=====it makes the moving difficult......................................................................................................
==========================When you're not around,...............................
=======================================i'd never cross that line,........................................
============i still want to show you, i want to change your mind...............................................................
But i still want to show you, .................................................................................................
====================================================but i don't have any time...
=========== something that we could be,...................................................................................................
====== something you want to try,.................................................................................................................
===================== something...............................................................................................
============================== you lost we tried to get inside,...............................
=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.
=================== why'd you close your eyes?...................................................................................
==========why'd we even try?...........................................................................................
======================== i don't have the time .................................................................
========= window shopping,......................................................................................
=================================i just want to show you,............................
========================== i just can't relate......................................................... .................

i feel like you wouldn't like me if the circumstances of our aquaintinceship had of been different. For example say we had of met in a coffee shop or at a bar, or waiting in line at the store, or on a bus or something like that. If we had of met in that type of situation i find it hard to believe that you would like me or that we would have ever become friends.

i have come to realize that everyone i have ever met or considered a friend has been through other friends or work or something like that. what i'm getting at is that i don't think i am a very likeable person, and the only reason why people like me is because they are forced to be around me, therefor they are nice enough to convince themselves that i am worth liking, probably more so out of convience than because they really like me. it is eaiser that way, i do the same thing, like at work, or with a person who is always around mutual friends or something, if you have to be around them, you might as well like them, see what i mean?

i know this must sound extremely insecure, which i can't deny, or it might sound like i am just seeking out approval, but that is not the case. i am not writing this because i want someone to say something that they think i want to hear, something like "oh ben, of course i like you, you are totally likeable." that is not what i want to hear, and i wouldn't believe it anyways. at this point in my life i don't really care if anyone likes me or not, that used to be really important to me because i was only able to find self-worth by using other peoples opinion of me as how i felt about myself. i no longer do that, or at least not to the same extent. i am perfectly content with forming my own opinion of my self and creating my self-esteem and self-worth internally, of course this means that these things are non-existant, but that is nothing new.

i feel the need for change in my life. not so much changing everything around me, but more changing who i am. i hate myself, and i hate just about everything about me: the things i do, the way i act, the way i look and dress, my sense of humor, my intellect, the choices i have made, and those i continue to make. the hardest part of feeling this way is all the things that i can change and all of the different versions of me that i can see myself becoming are people that i hate just as much. perhaps this is a good thing though, because if there is in fact a version of me that i might like and i can't see or imagine what that person is like, it means that i will have to discover who and what that person is like, which is cool cause it means it will take time and effort, and it means that the person i am now is so different and far from that other person, that this guy can't even understand what that guy is like, which is good. does this make any sense at all? perhaps not, it makes some sense to me, but none of this really matters or is at all important.

also i have some good news, i now have $2 to my name, that right TWO DOLLARS! this is a lot better than what i didn't have before.







sorry kid, no can do, these are my two dollars, and im not givvin' it up for no one, even if i have to do a ski race down a scary mountain and try to win over some foregin exchange frence girl staying with the nerdy guy across the street, i'd be better off dead than to give you my two dollars!!!!!

lately i have continued to feel very discontent with/unsure of myself.
i often get this sinking feeling in my chest, and it gets hard to breathe, and it just feels like im really far underwater at the bottom of an ocean, or almost like im in outter space, or somewhere that doesnt have oxygen. my ears start to block out all the noise, and i just feel stunned, or like i black out for a second, except i dont black out, cause i still see everything thats happening and can remember it all, it just feels like i've come out of myself and am somewhere else, and its just the shell of my body being stuck, except i dont know where i go when im outside of myself like this. its not like a panic attack, or anything, but afterwards i feel really scared and confused, and sometimes it takes me a minute or two to figure out where i am and what im doing.
this is very unsetteling.


besides that most of everthing else is really difficult right now. i am really really broke, in fact in lots of debt. it's difficult to get food and eat consistantly, but i do my best, i could loose some weight anyways. sometimes when i take a look at my situation and see all of the obstacles i have to overcome, i dont think its even worth it.
i feel very defeated by the world, and by many of my relationships. the majority of my interactions with other people are nice and everything, but it just sucks that my problems dont really matter when compared to others. its like fuck, just cause i didnt get knocked up and have two kids doesnt mean that my problems can be ignored by you guys, thanks family.

every day that i wake up, it takes a lot of effort to leave my bed, or whatever bed i have slept in, and actually face the day. everytime i wake up, i wake up to a world, and a life, and a body that i dont want anything to do with. these feelings are nothing new to me, but they are exagerated by my increasing lack of interest in maintaing my existance.

fuck you world, quit shitting on me, cause im tired of eating shit sandwiches.

i have a new cell phone number, therefor i dont really have anyones number anymore. if you wanna get my new number just send me an e-mail at benji.leyva@gmail.com

the corner store is out of your brand of cigarettes the rain has stopped and left the dark grey sidewalks wet twice burned you磖e saying things that you would like to forget it磗 been a while since you lost your confidence a nervous smile an empty place you watch the floor i hesitate how long does it take to know it磗 not just circumstance how long should i wait knowing there won磘 be another chance too much too late an empty place you watch the floor i hesitate there磗 nothing left to see see my eyes closed in fear tell me what i want to her how long does it take to know it磗 just circumstance how long should i wait knowing there won磘 be another chance too much too late an empty place you watch the floor i hesitate there磗 nothing left to say see my eyes shut with fear can you tell me i磎 not really here how long does it take to know it磗 just circumstance how long should i wait knowing there won磘 be another chance too much too late an empty place you watch the floor i hesitate how long

"i am going to be the greatest artist that ever lived, but i am never going to create a single piece of artwork"

"and just how on earth do you plan on doing that"

"i am going to use my body as a paintbrush, and the world as my canvas"

and i have none.

lately this world has given me no reason whatsoever to maintain my place within it.
i often feel that the world would be a much better place without me in it, but i know that is far to arrogant because weather or not i am a part of it, the world will continue to be a horrible place to try and make oneself feel better and try to heal oneself.

i no longer consider myself an optimist. i no longer feel that the people, things, and feelings that i fight for are worth fighting for. i have come to the selfish, yet well planed conclusion that i have nothing of any value to offer, and that despite the fact that there are many people, places, and things that are worth fighting for, i no longer have the strength or ability to fight for them any longer.
i am not a fighter, nor am i a lover. i am a bitter, angry, resentful person who knows himself well enough to know that if i continue to repress all of my pain it will end in way that will be no good for anyone. i am not worth caring about, nor do i care about anyone or anything.

if you think this sounds over dramatic, you can fuck off, but you are no one except some plastic and some wires.




this is not a desperate cry for help, i do not want or need anyone's help.
this is not a final notice, this is nothing more that the honest truth.

i never asked for any of this. i know i deserve every second of it, and that is fine with me.

talent

worth

pain





...less.

its only been four days since you died, and i already miss you so much.

and he ain't talking about cheese, its about mad g's.

my face has a huge bumb on it. it's so big that its stretching out my skin and making it hurt.
its full of pus or something and its super big, at first i thought it was a pimple,
but now im not sure cause its sooooo big, i made a doctor appointment for it tomarrow.

my dad is back in the hospital, which sucks. they still havent gotten the test results back from his CT scan, but my mom says she thinks everything will be ok. i hope so.

i wrote this rhyme, im really into freestyle rapping now, i just wanna battle rap all day:

"yo, my beats is home made, your shit is store bought.
you think you is so fly, but you not.
if you's a real playa, you dont throw yo hands in da air,
you keep 'em at yo waist, next to you gat, just in case
foo's step up they get knocked da fuck out,
BIIIITTTTTTTTTTCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

gotta get dat chedda

my new word for cool is fierce. as in
dude, dat shit was fierce when you robbed that liquor store.

or maybe something like,
im so fierce, when i walk up in the club all the ladies be like, "damn, home boy is fierce!"

or maybe even something else like
this is why im hot, this is why im hot, im hot cause im FIERCE, you ain't cause you not

i got my cat frankie, im really happy about it, it is definitly fierce.

i am so sick, it feels like my brains have atriphied (atrifyed?) inside my skull and are dripping out of my big jew nose.

im gonna be spending christmas alone, which really isn't that big of a deal to me cause its just another day, not that special or anything for me. its nice that i'll get the day off work though, i'll probably get drunk or something.

if anybody wants to hang out and read nutrition facts with me and read ingrediants on bagel bites and look up the weird ones that we dont know what they are call me up.

also im excited for brian and jason to get here. Molly, we are gonna kick it so hard.

i watched Live Free or Die Hard last night.
fuck! cars launching and catching air and blowing up helicopters?
fuck yeah man! holy shit crackers, i would eat them too.

anyways, about to go to work.
i think im quiting my other job.

i love really fin pancakes.